One would expect....

..... that if One's Mother is attending an event called 'Your Horse Live' and there are stalls selling horsey treats, that she would take YOU with her!!! Oh no, not my mother. I don't care if it is against the rules. I should have been allowed to attend, I would have blended in! After all, I not just any old horse (like the Idiot Boys) I am ME - and known throughout the land as The OUTRAGED HORSE - I AM A CELEBRITY!! OUTRAGEOUS!!

Mummy has been getting terribly excited about going to this event all week, and has been telling me all about it - how on earth does she expect me not to get excited about going and then tell me "see you later T!!!" What is that all about??

There she was yesterday morning, fumbling and falling around in the dark, stupidly early. I heard her fall over a dog, probably Buffy, and then I heard her get hit on the head by our food bin's lid. *snort* Actually, she did squeal quite a lot, so it must have hurt. *double snort*
One shouldn't laugh, but you know how it is..... *triple snort*

The Idiot Boys were still asleep, but I'd set my alarm clock especially - that would be Bobbin the Robbin who lives in the hedge next the field shelter, he's very obliging, bless him. I was waiting, all expectant, Mummy comes over, holding her head and with a red mark across the bridge of her nose, *quadruple snort*, she gives me a rub and a fuss, gives me breakfast (at stupido time) and then says "see you later T!!!" WHAT???? What do you mean, see you later? What about the treat stalls??? Then she left. Humph. I ate my breakfast and then I went and rolled in some mud! Ha, that will fix her!! HAHAHAHA. Only Auntie Sharon came over yesterday, and she sorted us out while Mummy was out for the day. Whoooopsss! Oh dear, I was very muddy. TeeeeHeeeee. Sorry Auntie Sharon (not really).

The Wanderer returned at an OUTRAGEOUS time! I was asleep! In fact I was OUTRAGED in my sleep! "What time do you call this to be crawling in then? Hummmmm? And where are my goodies? Show me the treats???" Daddy waited up for her and walked past the field in his coat and pyjamas - really, a Lady of my standing shouldn't have to experience such sights late a night!

She was gushing about what a great day she'd had and talking about some one called Monty, who whispers to horses - I should blooming well hope so at this time of night! Any louder and he'd wake us up!! OUTRAGEOUS!! "Well, I'm soooooooooooooo pleased you've had a good day Mummy, I have too - stood in my field, with the Idiot Boys, while you've been out gallovanting!!" Hummmph. She'd better have bought me a present!!!

She's said she'll fill me in later on her day out. Sod that, I just want my present!!! Hummmpphh!

One would think.....

...... if One's Mother decides to change the day of our Western lesson, she would have the common sense to inform her mount!! Oh no, not my Mother!! Twit! I'd just taken great pleasure in covering myself in my Monday Midday Mudpack, when SHE comes trooping into the field with my head collar. What WAS she thinking!!! OUTRAGEOUS!! Doesn't she know by now that Monday at Midday is Mudpack time! A Lady of my age must take her beauty and skin care regime VERY seriously. So, I'm removed from the field, with the Idiot Boys sniggering at my misfortune. The pillock more commonly known as Mac even had the nerve to try and nip my bottom as I left! The swine! I HATE him! I had my revenge though, Mummy had to spend AGES removing my mudpack! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! I sneakily pretended to give her a nuzzle and managed to wipe a big muddy stripe up her face. MMMMWWWWWAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Teeeheeeee. I'm such a clever horse.

Auntie Catherine was running a little bit late, so Mummy and I had a trot up and down the drive to warm up and began some of our exercises. Auntie Catherine arrived and our lesson started. I would like to state here and now that I HATE FLECTION EXERCISES!!! HATE, HATE, HATE. They are boring. Mac and Pops should do flection exercises all day long, forever and ever. I HATE FLECTION EXERCISES. I did my very best 'Angry Ears' to make my feelings known. Auntie Catherine and Mummy are not supposed to laugh at me when I am doing them! It's actually very difficult, and as such One would think IMPRESSIVE, to do 'Angry Ears' whilst performing a flection exercise!! Some people just don't appreciate my style and grace! Ok, I have now got that of my rather lovely chest. Once the HATED FLECTION EXERCISES were done with, we could get to the good stuff.

I LOVE DOING POLES!! Poles are fun and my most favourite part of my lesson. Auntie Catherine was very pleased with me today, and in some of my exercises she said that if we'd been competing in a Western Class, we'd have got top marks! Well, I would have got top marks because I'm doing all the work, I just allow Mummy to come along for the ride. I am such a clever horse. I love my Western lessons, they are fun. All horses of a certain age should make their Mummy's and Daddy's let them have western lessons because it keeps you fit, it lets you use your brain, but isn't high impact. Just right for mature Ladies such as myself.
I am a Western Horsey and proud!!

There are four legged.....

..... Eunochs in MY house!! Its an OUTRAGE!! Don't they realise that Daddy & Uncle Nick built the house for ME!!! I am plotting my plan of action to turf them out!

There are two legged........

...... Eunochs in my field!! Ok, Daddy and Uncle Nick are in my field. I'm convinced they are Eunochs, but Mummy and Auntie Karen are neither confirming or denying my suspicions. Uncle Nick and Auntie Karen are here for the weekend. Uncle Nick and Daddy are building me a new house. Just me, only for me, not to be shared with the Idiot Boys. I've told them that. Pops looked all pathetic and pleading, so I *might* let him in. The other fool farted at me and walked off! OUTRAGEOUS!! Doesn't he know who I am?!?! I was very helpful yesterday. I realised what was happening immediately, so took great pleasure in stamping very hard on my old house! Teeeheeeee! Now Mummy can have a bonfire with the wood. I am a very helpful horse. I did imagine that I was stamping on Mac's head at the time, and that made me feel very happy all afternoon. I can't wait until my new house is up. 'Tis very exciting.

I forgot to tell you.......

...... Mummy and Auntie Helen thought it would be a good idea for Mummy to help with the milking before we headed for home! 'I' had to share the horsebox with Mummy smelling like the inside of a cows bottom all the way back from Wales!! OUTRAGEOUS!!! And she had calf slobber all over her, because she helped to feed the little horrors just before we left too! That one named Mrs Wiccs, after Mummy, sucked her thumb and most of her arm! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! We got home quite late on Thursday night, it was well past my bedtime, and I had to go looking for the Idiot Boys in the dark to let them know I was home. I woke them up to make sure they knew I was back and in charge!! Auntie Helen phoned tonight, and apparently a week on from my visit, JT is still missing me!!! TeeeHeee, I'm sooooooooooooo unforgettable!! He probably wants to braid my hair or something.

Why do all the good looking boys....

....trot on the other hoof? After unloading myself from the box and allowing Mummy and Auntie Helen to check me over, we made our way to my B&B field. The Pedigree Eunoch was waiting with baited breath. He had been informed of my arrival and how lucky he was to be honour with a visit from myself. First impressions were good. I admit he's not a bad looking lad.
JT made me very welcome, and though it pains me to say so publicly, I actually really liked him. Ahhhhhhh, a holiday romance, thinks I!!! We spent the afternoon getting to know each other while Mummy and Auntie Helen went off doing things. I was a bit suspicious when they returned smelling of strange horses. Hmmmmmmmm. JT told me all about the farm, and I told him we were going to the beach the next day for ice creams. We played in the field, rolled and frolicked around and it was great! I told JT all about the Idiot Boys at home, and how we laughed.
Mummy and Auntie Helen came to give us our tea, it was a little later than normal for me and I was getting very worried as I was sure I was on the verge of collapsing from starvation! It was huge relief to have my Tara-Bear Snacks. I did consider letting JT try some of mine - but that thought didn't last very long. Mummy kissed me goodnight and told me to be brave and a good girl. "Oh for goodness sake woman!" After they left, JT sidled up to me. I thought he was either going to try it on with me (I am SERIOUSLY not that kind of girl) or he was going to try and eat my tea (there was none left anyway) but no, he sidled up and whispered in my ear. I waited with anticipation....... "Lady Tara"...... "Yes, JT"....... "Lady Tara, would you like me to do your hair for you............." HUH???

The next morning Mummy and Auntie Helen appeared early to get us ready for our beach ride. I had spent a very pleasant evening with JT. He was besotted by me, but I was seriously confused by him. Why would he want to do my hair? He kept giving me kisses, which I quite liked, but he was very polite and respectful. And the kisses were always on the cheek or nose.

Mummy & Auntie Helen took us up to the milking parlour to get ready for our ride. DO I LOOK LIKE A COW?!! No-one answer that! JT told me not to worry as it was a great place for getting ready. Here we are posing nicely.
While Mummy was grooming me to get me ready, she noticed that my mane looked like it had been trimmed! She certainly hadn't done it. It was very neatly and perfectly trimmed halfway down and towards the bottom. Mummy stood scratching her head and called Auntie Helen over. They both stood scratching their heads, and I nodded over towards JT who stood sheepishly looking the other way. Mummy inspected JT's mouth and pulled out evidence of my mane from the corner of his chops! "JT has been trimming Tara's hair! He thinks he's a hairdresser!! Tara never lets the boys do that to her! He's done a very neat job." Mummy and Auntie Helen laughed a lot, and made comments about JT trotting on the other hoof. That would make sense. Yesssssss. Kissing on the cheek. Likes doing my hair. Wants to be my Best Friend Forever, but with no sexy stuff..... It's all falling into place! My suspicions were further confirmed when we put on our travelling gear. Auntie Helen put on JT's boots - they had pink bits on them! Coooool!! I have a gay friend! We can go shopping and everything!!

We all headed for the horsebox and I loaded myself in. Then it was JT's turn. Nope, the big blouse was having none of it. He was prancing around like a male ballet star. *Sigh* Auntie Helen tried to get him on. Nope, not happening. I ate some hay and glared at him. Uncle Huw came over to help. I ate some more hay and watched the show. JT was walking in circles but refused to come anywhere near the box. I thought it might help if I pointed out that I thought he was an idiot! I snorted in his general direction. JT looked suitably ashamed but still refused to come near the box. OUTRAGEOUS!!! I want an ice cream!!! Mummy asked Auntie Helen if she could try something. She put JT on a long line and walked him round a bit, then she loosened the line right off and she came and stood on the box with me. It was about time that someone got in with me! By this point I didn't really care who it was. Get me a carrott! Mummy had some food with her - I thought it might be for me, but it was for the Idiot Gay Horse! Mummy stood there talking to me, with the line to JT loose. Everytime he took a step towards the box, Mummy gave him a reward and a rub. HELLO!!!!! I'm ON the box. He isn't. Why are you treating him?!? He's a fool and should stick to hairdressing! I was quite cross by this point as you can imagine. I was even more humpy when Mummy said to Auntie Helen that we wouldn't push JT. She was more than happy to ride round the farm instead of the beach. WHAT ABOUT MY ICE CREAM??? Mummy said lets just use the box as a training exercise instead and then go for a ride after. I had to stand on the box as Mummy's assistant, while she worked with JT. Auntie Helen and Huw watched and Auntie Helen told Mummy it was a pleasure to watch her go into behaviour mode. Mummy was very pleased as I know Mummy thinks she is a bit of a scatty twit when it comes to us Equines. After a short time Mummy had JT stepping up onto the box because he wanted to come up to us, and he was rewarded for being brave. Then she would ask him to back off again. Then he was all brave and wanted to come on with us. We did it a few times, and then Auntie Helen came and took him back round the to miling parlour and Mummy got me off the box. I was a bit fed up with this by now. I mean, I was supposed to be on holiday, not working with an Idiot Boy!

We got ready to go for a ride, and JT apologised profusely for being a big girls blouse. I forgave him because he made such a good job of my hair. JT was very interested in my apparell. I told him I was a cow-girl in western gear. He said, you want to be careful, don't forget this is a dairy farm - with real cows around. Hmmmmmm. This is leading somewhere. Notice the neatly trimmed bottom part of my main in this pic.
When we were ready we had a lovely ride around the farm. JT is on limited exercise so we stuck to walking and jogging (trotting). I was a good girl and it was a lovely ride out. We saw some people who were out looking for pheasents. They are allowed on the land to do this. We said hello and as we rode off, Mummy and Auntie Helen started laughing. I asked JT what was funny and he told me that he and his Mummy had been out the day before and ridden round where the people with guns go and told all the pheasents to move and hide! Tee heee!! Auntie Helen says that Uncle Huw knows she does this, but doesn't know.... if we know what she means. I have no idea what she means, but it seemed to make sense to Mummy! When we got back to the farm, Uncle Huw was waiting for us. He made a big fuss of JT and me. Uncle Huw has never been on a horse before, and JT is too much of a blouse for him to try, so guess who was volunteered for a beginners ride! Do I look like a seaside donkey?!?! OUTRAGEOUS!!! Oh well. It's because I am such an Angel I suppose. Uncle Huw got on, and off we went. I decided that as he is a diary farm, and I am a cow-girl, we'd better go and move some cows!! Here we are, we almost look professional!
YYYYYYHAAAAAAA!!!! Ermmm, Uncle Huw, they aren't moving. Eating yes, moving no.
Ok, bored now - time to get off Uncle Huw.
Once Uncle Huw had got off me, we went back into the parlour and Auntie Helen hosed us down. It was great fun, I love being hosed! Auntie Helen has a HUGE hose! Like a firemans! Much better than Mummy's hose at home!!! Here I am queuing up for my turn. Excuse the pooh - that wasn't me - it was JT!! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Then it was back to the field for lunch and snacks!!!!!

One Horse & her Mother does Wales....

....but not in a Debbie does Dallas kind of way! Let us be clear on that! Mummy was a bit worried about loading me into the box as she'd not travelled me before. When I came to live with Mummy, Auntie Lindsey's Dad gave me a lift in their trailer, so Mummy wasn't sure what I would make of the horsebox. She needn't of worried of course, 'I' am Lady Tara and as such have obviously had lots of experience at this kind of thing. I was terribly excited when I saw the horsebox and could bearly contain myself as Mummy groomed me and put my travel boots on ready for my trip. She put on a tail bandage, but the less said about that the better!! OUTRAGEOUSLY terrible attempt! I didn't tell her at the time, just let Auntie Helen laugh at the other end! *Snort* It was time for me to get on the box, and Mummy was getting a bit flustered as she was convinced I was going to throw a wobberly. In the end 'I' decided I'd better take matters into my own hooves, and shoved her to one side and loaded myself. "Right Mother, I'm on! Stop pratting about. Now all you have to do is push that bar across to keep me safe. A little bit more, yes, thats right. Now, you tie my lead rope up here and make sure I can reach the hay - that is VERY important." She is such a blouse sometimes, but she's my Mum and I love her! Daddy made a HUGE fuss about giving me kisses goodbye and telling me to be good. Like he was going to miss me! I know He and Eunochs had special treats planned while I wasn't there! I made him laugh when I answered him and whinned goodbye back - well, thats what he thought! What I was really saying was if you give the Idiot Boys special treats while I'm away, I will hunt you down and kill you! Finally, we were on our way!!! Yipppheeeee!!! I whinned "So long Suckers - I hate you" as we drove past the Idiot Boys. Pops was crying like a girl, but Mac didn't even notice I was going. I hate him! Mummy was very careful with her driving, and she could see me in the back because she had a special camera to watch me and make sure I was ok. I kept looking over my shoulder when I could hear her OUTRAGEOUSLY bad singing - really, One shouldn't have to listen to it during a trip! I made my point by shoving my bottom hard against the bit between me and her! "Shut Up Already!!" Thankfully she got the message! We made very good time to Wales, thankfully Auntie Helen caught us just as we were leaving to say avoid the M4 as there had been a nasty incident and the whole road was closed off and traffic was queuing for several miles in all directions. So we went a different route instead and only got caught in a little bit of road works just off the M50, so not too bad. I really like travelling and I was excellently behaved, but really - would you expect anything else from Moi? And then we were in Wales and arriving at Doghill Farm. Mummy parked up the box and my door opened. I was there!! "Hello Auntie Helen, Hello Uncle Hew! Mother, hurry up - I need a wee!! Stop fanny about, stand back, I can unload myself! Amateur!" Mummy and Auntie Helen took off my travel boots and gave me a check over and then it was time to head to my B&B for the night. "Right, where's this Pedigree Eunoch then..................?"
To be continued....

I will.....

...give a report of my trip to visit Helen & JT, I promise. Mummy & Daddy are very busy at the moment and I am only allowed limited access to the computer. OUTRAGEOUS. I am wondering whether I should continue with my blog though, as some people haven't liked it, and have been upset by it. That wasn't my intention. It was meant to be a bit of fun and comic relief for everyone to read, and for Me and my Mum. :( Not every word is meant to be taken as gospel.